Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
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Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
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You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.