his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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