Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
