Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
