the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
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