Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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