Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
