What a fucking waste of an outfit
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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