The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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