I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
