Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
