you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
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I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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