After last night, I could never be a politician.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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