so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
They have beer where we have blood.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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