On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
