I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
