My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
