be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
