I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
