she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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