I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
