I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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