I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dear god my vagina.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
