shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
