woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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