Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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