i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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