i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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