Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
