can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
