i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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