thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
