the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
