get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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