Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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