Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
