According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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