so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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