So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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