drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
