the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
