You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
