Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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