I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
