Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
