Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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