It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
