Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
