Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
