Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Can I color on your dick again?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
