Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
