Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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