all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
