Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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