I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
