her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
